I just came back from attending our annual seminar with my old friend “Bones” (Gary Mowen) and we had a blast! There, we hung with a lot of old friends, made some new friends, and we both recharged our ABATE batteries for another year. We met and was hangin’ with good people like Dixie Brown, we played “Crack-a-loo” with Tina Levengood and Tim Cordray, sat bullshitting with Roger Dodger and the Bushman, and was playin’ and singin’ a few old tunes with Doug and Kim Watson from Region 16. The actual seminar itself was packed full of information, and State Senator Joe Shiavoni who might be our next Governor (and has always been an avid ABATE supporter) was the keynote speaker. After a brief speech he led a great discussion.
All in all, the seminar was everything it should have been and much, much more. Robin Pickens, Kolman Fuzy, Jim Elgin, and all the others who went to all the trouble of organizing and working this one, and any other ones we’ve had or will have, deserve our appreciation. Getting something like this together and having it run smoothly isn’t easy. Now moving on....
Let’s jump back in time for a few moments and revisit an abbreviated little ditty from a few years ago with a new addition.
| The Perfect Woman
What is the perfect woman? Is there such a critter? Is there a perfect man? These are questions that have confounded humanity throughout the ages. For most of us, searching for the answer continues even after marriage and has caused MANY divorces (and has paid for many attorneys’ swimming pools and BMWs!) We ALL seem to think the grass might be greener on the other side of the hill. That is until we start mowing that other grass.
To help make it simple for you guys out there I’ve decided to throw a ‘lil quiz at the ladies. Maybe some time down the road we’ll do one about the perfect man. But to tell ya the truth, we’d probably just BS our way thru it anyway (being the lying dogs that we are).
So c’mon girls.....dig out a pencil and see what yer made of. Circle one only, and see how ya stack up at the end......
1. You pull into a campsite with yer old man. The first thing you do after getting off the bike is:
A. Pitch the tent and gather firewood.
B. Complain how yer ass hurts as you brush out your hair and re-apply your makeup.
C. Reach into the saddlebags and pull out an ice cold beer.
2. You’re in a rowdy bar with yer old man and some big dude gets touchy-feely with ya. Yer old man and him start getting into it. You:
A. Smack the other dude on the head with a cue stick.
B. Smack yer old man on the head with a cue stick because you think the other dude is hotter.
C. Ask the barkeep for an ice cold beer.
3. The two of you are packing for a long road trip. You:
A. Take as little stuff as possible for yerself to leave room for tools and such.
B. Fill the bags up with makeup and stupid shit.
C. Make sure there’s room for ice cold beer.
4. Yer both eating in a very expensive and fancy restaurant. He realizes he forgot his wallet. You have some money stashed that you’ve been saving up for whatever reason. You:
A. Give him yer money very discreetly so he’s not embarrassed.
B. Scream, “MY GOD, YOU DICK! YA MEAN WE CAN’T PAY FOR THIS?”
C. Finish yer meal then order another ice cold beer.
5. The bike won’t start. A crowd gathers around as he fiddles with it, but it JUST WON’T START! You:
A. Become very patient and assure him he’ll get it together as you rub his back.
B. Let everyone who’s watching know that he’s a dork and bitch about how it’s always breaking down because he’s a clueless asshole about motorcycles.
C. Wait inside the bar and have an ice cold beer.
If ya answered “A” to ‘em... Congratulations to your old man.
If ya answered “B” to ’em... We probably used to be married and I’m glad I’m done payin’ all those hard-earned bucks to you, you bitch.
If ya answered “C” to ’em... You probably don’t give a damn about the results, so just go to the fridge and get yerself an ICE COLD BEER.
So, that first appeared in this magazine in a longer version exactly five years ago this month. I was recently reminded at our seminar that I never wrote a follow-up piece to find out what a perfect MAN might be. So any of you guys who wants to let your woman find out exactly who YOU are and how YOU stack up, grab a pencil...
| The Perfect Man
1. It’s a terribly hot day. You and your woman are on the bike on the way to a wedding and you get stuck in city traffic... it is NOT moving at all! Your bladder is almost bursting and ya gotta do something about it, and I mean right now! As you sit there in torment, next to you is a bar that’s open for business... but there’s no parking spaces in front of it, the curb and the sidewalk is way-high, and the traffic is tight and literally so bumper to bumper that ya couldn’t even squeeze thru it if you tried. Behind you is an old station-wagon containing a large family with screaming kids, grandparents and such. To make matters worse, your woman is a tiny little thing who has never ridden anywhere but on the back and couldn’t even hold the bike up to push it if things DID start to move. You:
A. Have her go into the bar to snatch an empty pitcher, wastebasket, plastic bag, or whatever. When she returns and sits back on the scoot, you have her hold her coat open wide and hope that nobody behind you sees what’s happening and calls a cop. If she gets embarrassed that’s her problem.
B. Endure the pain as long as you can then let nature take its course in the brand new jeans that ya just bought for the wedding simply because you didn’t want to leave your woman alone and nervously waiting for traffic to start moving again.
C. You climb off the bike and tell her to yell and start beeping the horn if traffic starts moving. Then you enter the bar, do what ya gotta do, and take your time having an icy beer in the air-conditioning while she babysits the situation outside. She probably wasn’t thirsty anyway.
2. Your woman wants to be a contestant in the anatomy contest at a large bike rally but she’s concerned how YOU feel about her revealing her assets in front of hundreds of people. The prize is rather large and the two of you could definitely use the bucks. Though you’ve never been prudish about nudity, you hesitate to approve because we’re talking about HER nudity in front of others. Finally you:
A. Hope she doesn’t shame you in front of all these people. You realize that she always puts you in bad positions like this and you complain until she drops it.
B. Decide that you have no right to tell her what to do since it’s HER body, HER decision, and you understand that. Besides, you’re proud of the way she looks. You give your support to whatever she decides to do because you also realize this could be the most exciting thing to happen to her in a long time. In fact she’s getting turned on by it and YOU are taking her home tonight. Even if she doesn’t win... you do.
C. Realize the money will come in handy if she wins and you start planning a solo road trip to Sturgis without the little tramp as you angrily slam down an ice cold beer.
3. The two of you are out late on the bike. When you realize how late it’s gotten and how cold it has become, you find that she didn’t stash her coat in the saddlebags like you told her to do, but of course you’ve packed yours like always. You:
A. Bitch and bitch about her not being the super-prepared biker chick you expect her to be. She deserves to freeze her ass off if she can’t take care of herself.
B. Man-up and let her wear YOUR coat. You’ve ridden without a coat in colder weather than this. If not, you lie and tell her that you have for her sake.
C. You think about how she’s always screwin’ up. Then you pull into a bar so she can phone someone to come pick her ass up as you chug down an ice cold beer before you leave her there waiting alone for her ride.
4. Speaking of coats, you’re flying solo at a swap meet and ya notice a really nice coat for your woman who stayed at home. It’s the right size and heavy-duty as hell. The zippers are strong and it’s very inexpensive. The coat she’s been using is ratty, fits badly, and has a zipper that sticks all the time. You:
A. Buy the coat. You can sell it to a buddy for HIS woman and make bucks.
B. Buy the coat. Your woman deserves it and so much more for putting up with you for all these years.
C. Forget about it, you’re thirsty. You decide to go find an ice cold beer instead. Maybe they got something to eat here too.
5. She wants her own bike. She works a job, the kids are grown and gone, and all she thinks about is having her own bike. You:
A. Wonder why the hell she wants her own bike. She never mentioned it and you never even asked her if she wanted one before, and now it’s so damned important to her? The cost, upkeep, and maintenance for two bikes will end up being a pain. Must be her “change of life” or something like that.
B. Wonder why this has never occurred to you before! She must have silently wanted this for years. You figure out the finances and make it happen.
C. Tell her, “We’ll see what we can do” then, you promptly forget about it entirely as you tell her to get you an ice cold beer from the fridge.
If ya answered “A” to ‘em... What grade are you in? You must be single and you’ll likely be that way for the rest of your life. (Actually, question 1 - answer A seemed pretty reasonable to me and that’s the one I would have picked out of the three. Maybe that’s why I’m still single.)
If ya answered “B” to ‘em... I’m hoping any woman I’M ever interested in doesn’t even get to know you. But I gotta admit that in my opinion you should have one happy old lady.
If ya answered “C” to ‘em... None of this stuff matters to you anyway, so just go get an ice cold beer... or have her get it for you, you lazy and selfish pig.
At various times in my life I’ve been all three of these guys. Unfortunately I just recently discovered that I could have, and still can be, the best of them, but that’s probably why I’ve been divorced three times... I’m a slow learner. A wise old man named Pappy once told me, “Wisdom often comes too late.”
In any event, I’m also finally realizing that living alone for now isn’t quite so bad, and at the very least, being single means there are absolutely NO conflicts unless yer sorta nuts. Anyway, it is what it is. (God I hate clichés, especially that one). Talk to ya next month...
Life goes on,