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Bummer's Monthly Musings

Bummer, who's an ABATE institution, writes one of the most widely read articles in the Outspokin' each month. Now he's also right here on the web! Welcome to the Computer Age, Bummer! ~ Enjoy!

 

 

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Shootin’ the Breeze 

 September 2003 

by Bummer

Email: bummer@abate.com

What is the perfect woman? Is there such a critter? Is there a perfect man? These are questions that have confounded humanity throughout the ages. The search for the answers even continues after marriage and has caused more divorces and bought more swimming pools and Cadillac's for attorneys than any class action lawsuit! We all seem to think the grass is greener, that is until we start mowing that OTHER grass. 

To help make it simple for you guys out there, this month I've decided to throw a 'lil quiz at the ladies. Maybe sometime down the road we'll do one about the perfect man, but to tell ya the truth, we'd probably just lie our way thru it anyway, being the dogs that we are. So, c'mon girls. Get a pencil and see what yer made of. Circle one only. See how ya stack up at the end. 

1. You pull into a campsite with yer old man. The first thing you do after getting off the bike is: 

A. Pitch the tent and gather firewood. 

B. Complain how yer ass hurts as you brush out your hair and reapply your makeup. 

C. Reach into the saddlebags and have an ice cold beer. 

   2. The bike you are riding on with your old man gets a flat. The two of you ride it to a wobbly stop and notice you've stopped in front of a bar. You: 

A. Walk a mile down the road to get some fix a flat while your partner guards the bike. 

B. Bitch at him about the tires being so damned bald. 

C. Walk into the bar and get an ice cold beer.    

 [Next Column]

Bummer's Shootin' the Breeze Page!
 

8. The two of you've both been out partyin' all night. When ya come home you:

A. Make him his favorite breakfast then go wash and wax the bike.

B. Head for the john, lock the door and pass out on the floor while he's putting the bike away.

C. Before ya crash ya have another ice cold beer.

9. Yer both eating in a very expensive fancy restaurant. He realizes he forgot his wallet. You have some money you've been saving up for whatever reason. You:

A. Give him yer money very discreetly so ya won't embarass him.

B. Scream, "MY GOD! YA MEAN WE CAN'T PAY FOR THIS?"

C. Finish yer meal then order another ice cold beer.

10. The bike just won't start. A crowd gathers outside the bar as he fiddles with it and it JUST WON'T START! You:

A. Be patient and assure him he'll get it as you rub his back.

B. Let everyone who's watching know he's a dork and bitch about how it's always breaking down.

C. Wait inside the bar and have an ice cold beer.

If ya answered "A" to most of 'em, congratulations to the man who gets ya. If yer still single my phone is 330-872-1198, I LOVE women and I'm a hell of a nice guy.
If ya answered "B" to most of 'em, we probably used to be married and I'm glad I'm done payin' ya all those hard earned bucks, you witch.
If ya answered "C" to most of 'em, you probably don't give a damn about the results, so just go to the fridge and get another ICE COLD BEER.
See ya next month,
    

         That's me, dammit!~Watch here for next month's installment!

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 3. You're in a rowdy bar with yer old man and some big dude gets touchy feely with ya. Yer old man and him start getting into it. You: 

A. Smack the other dude on the head with a cue stick. 

B. Smack yer old man on the head with a cue stick 'cause ya like the other dude better. 

C. Ask the barkeep for an ice cold beer. 

4. Yer old man comes home from riding and he's tired. The lawn needs mowed and the garbage needs taking out. You: 

A. Tell him to rest while you do the chores. 

B. Phone his mother and tell her what a lazy slob the ugly old bitch hatched. 

C. Say, "To hell with it!" and get yerself an ice cold beer. 

5. Money is tight. The bills are behind and the old man is always partyin' with his bro's. You: 

A. Get a bartending job and give him and his bro's free drinks. 

B. Spend all that's left of the money before he does. 

C. Tell yerself, "Money means nothing." and have an ice cold beer. 

6. The two of you are packing for a long road trip. You: 

A. Take as little stuff as possible for yerself to leave room for tools and such. 

B. Fill the bags up with makeup and stupid shit. 

C. Make sure there's room for ice cold beer.

 7. Ya find out yer old man has been runnin' around on ya with yer best girlfriend. You:

A. Forgive him and try harder to make the relationship work.

B. Re-adjust yer sexuality and steal the woman from him.

C. Tell yerself he's not worth thinkin' about and get yerself an ice cold beer.

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