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Bummer's Monthly Musings

Bummer, who's an ABATE institution, writes one of the most widely read articles in the Outspokin' each month. Now he's also right here on the web! Welcome to the Computer Age, Bummer! ~ Enjoy!

 

 

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Shootin’ the Breeze 

 October 2003 

by Bummer

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The following is a Halloween story.

It was a dark and stormy night as I rode home from our county ABATE meeting. The meeting had seemed to go on forever, and my butt was sore as hell from the cheap barstool I'd been sitting on. We spent way too much time talkin' about dumb stuff and all I could think about was gettin' home, takin' a hot shower and kickin' back.

The country road I was ridin' on was way out in the boonies, and tho I had my bright light on I rode carefully, half expecting a deer to jump out of the surrounding woods. I've twisted a fender or two before on deer and wasn't eager to do it again! Once a big old buck actually poked me with his antlers when I hit him. Scared the hell outta me!

To my right I noticed movement in the underbrush and when I turned to look I almost jumped off the bike! It was the biggest damned dog I'd ever seen, and he was runnin' along beside me just a snarlin' and a droolin'!

I cranked my throttle and sped away leavin' the beast behind, but after a few moments the bike stalled and the lights went out. I coasted to a stop cursing and pushing the start button, not hearin' a sound 'cept my own voice and my heart slammin' in my chest.

I immediately threw down the kickstand, jumped off the bike and began diggin' thru the saddlebags to find anything resembling a weapon.

The moon was just bright enough to see the road, but the surrounding woods were black and I remembered the nearest house was too far away to run to. My hand felt a big box wrench I use for my axle nuts as I whipped it out of the bag and turned. There in the road in the distance stood the dog silently watching me with glowing red eyes.
"GET OUTTA HERE! GO! SCAT!"

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Bummer's Shootin' the Breeze Page!
 

 "Are you on high on drugs?" 

"NO! YER NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS....." 

"Are you on any psychiatric medication?" 

"DAVE THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!! I WAS ATTACKED!!!!" 

"Calm down! Ya don't gotta yell." When I showed him my wrist he finally let me in the cruiser, as long as I sat in the back seat. Been there and done that. Wasn't too eager to open the doors anyway once I was in. 

After I laid it all out for him he finally pulled out his weapon again, got out and shined his flashlight all around the area. "Ya want me to call a tow for yer bike?" 

"Ain'tcha gonna call this in?" 

"Bummer, if I report a wolfpack in this county I'd be lookin' for a new job. Now, you gonna try yer bike again or do ya want a tow?" 

I went to the scoot and wouldn't ya know she started right up!? I walked back to Dave and told him I wasn't movin' unless he followed close. I felt like a jerk, but there's times pride don't mean squat. 

Dave actually followed me all the way home that night. In my drive he asked me how I'd been and asked if I shouldn't talk to someone. "Talk to someone about what? I quit seein' things that weren't there long ago. STOP LAUGHIN!" 

"Well, at least get those bite marks checked out. Ya might need a rabies shot." 

As he pulled away I realized that maybe he was right. Maybe it all was just some kind of warped flashback. Maybe it was just a bunch of dogs. Of all the good things I coulda tripped out on I had to pick a snarling pack of wolves! What the hell would Timothy Leary have to say about that? The only other possibility was that it was a wolf that somebody owned and he got loose, gathered some strays and formed a pack. I've heard that's happened before, but not around here. When I used to work at an arsenal packs of wild dogs were said to roam in the woods inside the fence 'cause it was a huge hunk of undisturbed gov't land. But I ain't never heard of any wolves! That was all a few years ago, but whenever I ride down that road [and it took me a while to do that!], I can't help but look in those damned woods. 

Happy Howlloween [yuk yuk],


    

         That's me, dammit!~Watch here for next month's installment!

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  He just stood there starin' at me with his head lowered as he lowly growled.

As my eyes adjusted to the dark I could see him clearer. This wasn't just a dog. I ain't never seen a wolf outside a zoo and on TV, but this sure looked like one. And a big one! It sure wasn't any damned German Shepard! He took a few slinky steps toward me, but when I raised the wrench he stopped.

 "This is Ohio for chrisakes! There ain't no wolves in Ohio! At least not around here! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!" Under other circumstances bitchin' at a wolf might seem kinda weird, but at the time I was kinda weirded out already.

What happened next is even weirder. The big bastard sat back on his haunches, raised his snout to the moon and let out a long howl. Almost instantly I heard the voices of a whole bunch of 'em returning his call. A wolfpack!!

In the distance I watched a few of 'em cross the road as they surrounded me. All I could think of was how surreal this all was. This isn't happening! THIS CAN"T BE HAPPENING!!! I started laughing hysterically as I turned in a circle holdin' that damned wrench. I figured that if I was lucky I might get a few good smacks in before they brought me down and started tearing at my flesh. 

The leader lunged at me and grabbed my wrist as I slapped him with the wrench. Warm blood gushed from the holes his fangs left in my arm as I tore myself free. This only excited the others as they nipped at my legs and danced around me barking and growling. 

From the direction I came I saw headlights. 'YES! YES YES YES!!!!' I thought as the car drew nearer and the wolfpack ran off. 

"BUMMER! What the hell are you doin'?" It was Deputy Dave, a county sheriff I have the good fortune to know. He's done me good in the past, but I kinda surprised him when I ran to the cruiser wavin' that wrench and screamin' at the top of my lungs, "LET ME IN! LET ME IN!!!" "HOLD IT! FREEZE!! PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!!!" 

I was so glad to see him I started laughing, [I was pretty goofy by this time] as he kneeled behind his open door and pulled out his service piece. 

"BUMMER!! I MEAN IT! FREEZE!!" I told my self once that I will never be shot again and I meant it! I realized he was serious, so I stopped, dropped the wrench and smiled as I yelled, "BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!"

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