Shootin’ the Breeze 

 October 2002 

by Bummer

Email: bummer@abate.com

      It was a dark and stormy night as Crash knelt on the floor of his garage foolin’ with the carburetor he recently installed on his old Panhead.  Long ago he converted it to a 12 volt system and brought the old girl up to date in some other ways, but he insisted on using the stock Linkert carb.  He thought it was wrong to change too much and was fond of sayin’,”If I wanted to ride a newer bike, I’d be ridin’ a newer bike!”

     His Uncle Frank rode the very same bike for years and Crash never got tired of tellin’ how the two of ‘em would fly down the road when Crash was almost too little to walk.  When Frank died two years ago the bike was left to him.

     “Here’s yer coffee baby.”  Sweet Thing had been Crash’s house mouse for over three years.  They went everywhere together.  As she gazed at her man she thought,’ I hate this bike.  Always breakin’ down.  He deserves a newer ride that he wouldn’t have to mess with so much.’

     “I know what yer thinkin’ and forget it!  We can’t afford a new bike, and even if we could it couldn’t replace Baby......Hell, I was raised on this bike!”

     “Ever notice how it seems that every time I’m on the back the bitch breaks down?  It’s weird!  C’mon Crash!  At least start lookin’ for another one!  Tommy said he’d sell ya his Shovel for a good price.  At least talk to him about it.”

     “Tommy thinks yer just supposed to replace the oil, not change it!  And that scoot sounds like a bag of bolts goin’ down the road because of it.  Right off, it needs a head job, a new primary chain and God knows what else!  Baby gets us down the road.”

     “That’s what I’m sayin’....she does not!  Take this carburator problem...this is the 3rd carb you had on her this year and every one of ‘em ended up with a cracked boss, or whatever the hell ya call it!  She runs good when ya take her out on a test, but then when we go somewhere she messes up.  And remember when she had that mysterious electrical problem?”

     “All electrical problems are mysterious.”

     “Listen to yerself!  Crash, you are the best wrench I’ve ever seen, and yer startin’ to sound like a wanna be!”

     “Ok ok!  Listen.......I’ll talk to Tommy, but I know he’s gonna want way too much, and I ain’t sellin’ Baby!”    

As Sweet Thing went back into the house Crash looked at Baby and had to agree; when yer workin’ on a bike more than riding it, it’s time to take stock of your priorities.

     The next day he called Tommy and found that the price was pretty good.  If he took the heads to a machine shop and rearranged his finances a bit, he could end up not hurtin’ himself too bad and still keep Baby.

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     “Who could be doin’ this?” asked Crash more to himself than anyone else.

     Over the next few weeks it happened over and over.  He even started locking Baby’s forks and the damned bike would still turn up unexpectedly.  Nobody would actually see the bike pull in, it just seemed to show up. Then one night when he got up to get something to drink, he heard the garage door open.

     As he walked to the garage he heard Baby start and ran to find out who was doin’ this.  There sat Baby, just idling with the lights on.

     “You gonna get out of the way Short Stuff?”

     “Who’s there?  Come out where I can see ya!!”

     Then he realized that he hasn’t been called Short Stuff since Uncle Frank died.  Feelin’ like an idiot and scared out of his gourd he called out, “Uncle Frank?  Is that you?”

     “Bravo!  Ya finally busted me!  Bet you were goin’ crazy huh?”

     “What is this? You’re dead!!  I can hear ya but I can’t see ya!  Speak to me!”

     “Sorry ‘bout that buddy.”  Then he stepped out from behind Crash’s car.  “Guess you need an explanation huh?”

     Crash didn’t know what to say and what to do.  He just stood there with wide eyes and his mouth hangin’ open.

     “I know I shouldn’ta let y’all think I was dead, but when I wrecked my truck in the river it just came to me.  The cops would declare me dead eventually, even if they didn’t find the body, figuring it got washed away, and I could get out of a real mess I was in.  Last month I was in Jersey and found out some bad guy that was lookin’ to kill me got greased his own nasty self. I’ve been on the run for too long, so here I am!”

     “Why didn’t ya let us know?”

     “Couldn’t chance it Short Stuff!  I wanted to make sure his buddies didn’t pick up where he left off.  Looks like everything’s cool.  I’m just glad I kept my bike keys and yer garage is easy to break into.  By the way, you make me walk home one more time and I’m gonna smack ya hard!  And one more thing....A Panhead’s Linkert carburator sucks!  Why dontcha change that damned thing?  The bosses always crack”

     They walked into the house and Sweet Thing woke up, then she fainted when she saw Frank.  They broght her to, then the three sat at the kitchen table drinkin’ coffee.

     “Does mom know?”

     “Nope.  Was gonna tell her today.  It’s her birthday and I haven’t seen my ‘lil sister for too long!  Think she’ll be surprized?”

     Well that’s it for this month kids.  Y’all just be careful when yer out there trick or treatin’....

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    One night a month or so later he walked into the kitchen wiping his hands on a rag and exclaimed, “Get dressed you Sweet Thing!!  We’s goin’ to town!  The shovel is all done and I ain’t took ya dancin’ for a long time so,.....let’s go!”

     The night was warm and clear as they hit the road.  It was shortly after dusk and a few bugs were out, but not so many that Crash and Sweet Thing had to keep their mouths shut.

     “Where we goin’ Crash?”

     “How ‘bout goin’ down to “Faces”  I hear it really rocks and they have great food in the restaurant part!”

     “Great!  The new bike sounds good.  Been a while since I rode.  At least you got to ride to work on Baby. By the way......how’s she doin’?”

     “Fine.  Now that we got the Shovel she hasn’t acted up once.”

     “I still think she doesn’t like me.  Oh well, you know how us women can be about their man!”

     When they entered Faces they ran into some old friends and sat by ‘em at the bar.  Crash was tellin’ a joke when another old friend named Hot Dog walked in.

     “Crash!  And Sweet Thing too!  I seen Baby out front but didn’t think you’d both be here!”

     “What the hell are you talkin’ about?  Baby’s home in the garage!”

     “Go look if ya don’t believe me.”

     As soon as he and Sweet Thing walked out the door Crash’s jaw dropped.  There leanin’ on her kickstand was Baby.

     “What the.....”

     “Crash, this is just too *&$#in’ weird!”

     As he walked to the old bike thinkin’ this must be a lookalike he read off the plate numbers and stopped.

     “Hot Dog must have rode her down here....wait!  There’s his bike.  What’s goin’ on?”

     After goin’ home and bringin’ back the car so Sweet Thing could drive it while Crash rode Baby home, he double checked the lock on the garage muttering to himself how his goofy friends musta played a trick on him.

     A week later it happened again!  He was at his mom’s house one night and when he came outside to leave there was Baby beside the shovelhead!  Nobody around, and no explanation.

 “How did you manage to get Frank’s bike here too?” asked his mother when she came out and stood beside him as he stood staring in confusion.

     “I dunno what’s goin’ on!  I think my buddies are messin’ with me.  I’m gonna push her in yer garage for the night, ok?”

     When Crash got home he asked Sweet Thing about it.

     “I heard the garage door and figured it was you coming back for something.  When I heard Baby start I just figured it was you!”

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