Shootin’ the Breeze 

by Bummer

Email: bummer@abate.com

abatebummer@aol.com

HALLOWEEN STORY

It was a dark and stormy night. As the rain beat against his face, Jimmy maneuvered his old chopper through the the slick city streets searching for a victim. {My apologies to Edward Bulwer-Lytton}

It all began one cool October evening a year earlier. Jimmy and I were headed to a party at a friends house when suddenly something hit him in the chest making him swerve toward me and forcing me to turn into the oncoming lane of traffic. Narrowly missing a car full of old ladies, I pulled back into the proper lane and looked towards him with a “What the Hell?” look on my face.

“Man!” he shouted over the roar of the engines. “Sometimes them bugs hurt!’

“That was a bird you dumbass!”

“No way!”

“Way!!’

But he didn’t believe me, so we turned around and headed back to where he got hit. We were both wrong: It was a damned bat! A big ugly sucker too! When he flipped it over with the toe of his boot, the critter regained consciousness and fluttered away.

Jimmy unzipped his leather and showed me where it hit. Instead of a bruise, blood covered his chest and further investigation showed a rip the bat caused in the coat. And YOU know what it takes to rip a good riding leather!

“Man! That looks bad...Let’s go to yer place and doctor it up before ya get infected.” I told him.

“It don’t hurt or nothin’.” And right before our eyes the blood disappeared!

“What’s up with THAT! Where did the blood go? You sure yer ok?”

“Maybe it was just a trick of the light or somethin’. Yeah, I feel fine.” So we got back on our scoots and headed to the party.

We weren’t there five minutes before the most gorgeous lookin’ babe there came right up to him and started hittin’ on him. Now, the weird thing is women that know Jimmy don’t usually take to him. I mean, he’s not ugly or nothin’. He’s just so damned clumsy with girls! Every time he talks to a female, he says something so stupid she ends up rolling her eyes and walkin’ away.....I mean EVERY time! He put a solo seat on his bike ‘cause there was no point in a passenger seat.

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From somewhere a huge bottle of wine was produced and as I drank from it the music got louder and the lights grew dimmer. The wine was like none I ever drank, and I’ve done my share of wine! It was kind of a Dago Red, but thicker and kinda musty.

“Let’s party!!” Jimmy yelled and for the rest of the night I was introduced to every kind of strange behavior you could imagine, and then some!

I woke on the floor of the funky old bathroom. Musta been worshippin’ the old porcelin goddess again. Been here...done this! But I’d been in lotsa bars that had cleaner crappers than this one.

I walked out into the rest of the place and found it deserted. The bikes were in the drive, but no one else was around.I stumbled outside into a blinding grey morning light and coasted on home where I slept for 18 hours.

I didn’t hear from him again ‘til one night about a month later when he called and invited me over to the clubhouse for a party.

“I dunno Jimmy. Last time messed me up for a week! What kinda wine was that anyway?”

“Just call it the house wine and let it go at that. You comin’ or not? We don’t invite just anyone over here.”

Well, I never refuse a party....so I rode over. When I entered ,I heard the same music. Never heard anything like it. It was kinda hypnotic. On the couch were a few couples in various stages of undress and as that same woman came to me I turned my face when she tried to kiss me. “Where’s Jimmy?”

“Oh, he’ll be here when he’s finished.”

Then I heard the screams! The woman clutched at me as I ran to the kitchen where an open door led to the basement. I flew down the steps and paused speechless leaning against the wall as I beheld something I thought only existed in bad movies. Jimmy was leaning over with his face buried in the flesh of a woman tied to a table! As he lifted his head, blood dripped from his mouth and savage anger radiated from his eyes!

Behind me his bros had descended the steps and grabbed me, pulling me back upstairs. Another bottle of that horrid wine was forced into my mouth and I was held helpless as I was forced to drink. I don’t remember much of what happened next and I don’t know how I got home, but my bike was in my own drive when I awoke.

Now I ride with the Dead. Still prospectin’ , but soon I’ll get my patch. They won’t let me in on the fresh food, but roadkill never really hurt anyone.

But not THIS night! Soon he had babes all over him. Even other dudes babes! And he got away with it! Every time some guy would approach him with fire in his eyes, Jimmy would just look at him really weird and tell him to go away. And they did!

He was in the kitchen slobberin’ all over some tall foxy blonde when I walked in and said,” Let’s hit the bricks Jimmy. I gotsta go to work in the morning.”...Man did he give me a look I’ll never forget, then he lightened up, laughed this crazy laugh, shoved her away and ran out the door to his bike like he was on some kind of industrial strength speed.

All the way home he rode like a madman, ridin’ all over the road, rakin’ his pipes and yellin’ crazy stuff at the top of his lungs. When we got to my turnoff we split up and man was I glad! I couldn’t wait to get rid of that nutcase. I thought for sure he’d at least get busted for drivin’ so crazy.

Over the next few weeks Jimmy kinda disappeared. Every time I phoned him he was out. Eventually I heard he’d formed a club called the “Dead M/C” and been spendin’ all his time with them.

One night I was hangin’ at a local bar and he and his bros walked in. What a change! His skin looked grey, his eyes had a faraway look and his voice was a whisper as he came over to me. “How ya doin’ Bum?”

“Good Jimmy. And you?”

“REAL good. You should come ridin’ with us sometime.”

“I hear ya quit yer job. You had a great gig goin’ there. What could have made ya wanna do that?”

“Come over to the clubhouse and we’ll show ya.”

I figured, “Why not?”, so we all climbed on our sleds and rode cross town to his clubhouse.

What a dump! When he opened the front door strange throbbing music could be heard from somewhere inside. Every corner of the place had spider and cobwebs. I don’t mind spiders so much, but man I hate them cobs! As we walked into the living room a strange, tall somber lookin’ chick I’d never seen before entered from a side door. She headed straight for Jimmy and planted a long slow lip lock on him after which he smiled and pushed her to me.

She felt ice cold in my arms and when we kissed her lips felt mushy and dead. The worse part was her breath! Don’t know what this babe had for lunch, but man did she stink! I almost blew chunks in her mouth!

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