Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

bummer @ abate

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November 2017

Happy month of the turkey folks, let’s gobble up them gobblers!

    You vegetarians can just pretend you didn’t read that. I’ve heard people say they wouldn’t eat anything with a face, and I suppose a turkey has one. I’m getting so politically correct these days that I try to NEVER offend anybody! And to show how considerate I am about everyone’s sensitivity while exhibiting my high-class taste, here’s a little ditty...

A song by Bummer

She rarely goes out and never thinks of makin’ love – even the memory has left her mind
‘cause her body is old and her thoughts have grown cold – she’s become the frigid kind.
She’s big and she’s fat – she ain’t all that - her eyes are stained from tears.
She’s slower these days and rarely plays, and she hasn’t caught a mouse in years.

She’s my Pussy!
Rub my Pussy!
‘Cause if you won’t do it,
she’s a-gonna rub on you!

She’s picky ‘bout what she eats, leaves hair all over the sheets - always scratchin’ at the door,
never picks up after herself, instead of on the shelf - her toys are all over the floor.

She’s my Pussy!
Rub my Pussy!
‘Cause if you won’t do it,
she’s a-gonna rub on you!

    Now, I knowd when I wrote it that it wasn’t the best song I ever wrote. But it was gonna either be about my cat or a pickle... and I’m not fond of pickles. In fact, I’m not even that fond of my cat. I just wanna ride on my motorsickle. And if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, it all refers to an old biker tune by Arlo Guthrie called “The Pickle Song”. (If you look it up, try to find the long version.) I hate explaining references, but some of you aren’t as uh, old as I am... so there ya go.

    Speaking of age, I think my cat might be older than I am (in cat years). I’ll be 66 on Sept. 28th a week or so from this writing, and like my cat, in my mature years I’ve developed some patience, but at the same time like her, I tend to quickly dismiss the stupid stuff... such as politicians I can’t do anything about (now), like the cost of everything, like some relationships (whether romantic, business, or friendships) that were simply bad ideas from the git-go. I also discovered that life is too short for regrets, and regretting anything is simply a waste of time as well as being unproductive because we rarely learn from our mistakes.

    But getting back to my cat (Pussy), I’ve never really been into cats. I’ve had dogs all my life... that is, until I realized the cost, effort, and restrictions of having a dog... they’re like having little kids! In fact I’m not even into Pussy... well, I mean her. We more or less just put up with each other as long as I feed her, let her in and out when she wants, and I take care of the litter box.

    I’ve noticed most men don’t like cats, and I think that’s because compared to a dog, cats aren’t submissive at all. I mean a dog will let you virtually ignore its existence and still think and act like you’re a God, which is dog spelled backwards... (okay, that made NO sense). But a cat simply doesn’t care. In ancient Egypt, cats were worshipped, so maybe they’ve inherited the attitude that they ARE Gods. But Pussy is different than most cats in that she doesn’t act like a cat. She’ll rub herself all over anybody who walks through the door.

    And she talks all the time! I used to think she was constantly bitching about something but eventually I realized that’s just the sound of her voice. I don’t know what the hell she’s sayin’, but sometimes I have to shut her out of my bedroom just so I can get some sleep. Maybe she thinks she’s my wife and she’s going on about how her day went and what I could have done to have made it better. And she rumbles loudly. Some people would call it a “purr”, but she does it so loudly that I’ve had nightmares that a Harley on steroids is crashing through my wall.

    I only allowed her to move in because I live in the country and mice try to take up residence from the surrounding fields every autumn when the cold hits. I went to an animal shelter/rescue place that prides itself on their love for animals and was told I couldn’t have one of their cats! They had a BUNCH of ‘em, but they wouldn’t give me one, even though “give” means payin’ ‘em like $50!!

    They actually interview you. And when we got to the question of why I wanted a cat, the woman in charge of the place got sorta huffy and told me that cats shouldn’t eat mice! I should get an exterminator! I replied, “I am. And it’s called a cat.” Then I guess I got kinda loud when I explained, “I’m not talking about rats here lady! I’m talking about healthy, free range and corn fed, Field Mice!”

    She asked me to leave... which I did. (I’ve been thrown out of lotsa places, but an animal shelter?) Then I went straight to a farmer I know who had an abundance of felines about the place and he was glad to get rid of one.

    Pussy has slowed down regarding mouse patrol and pursuit, but at least I’m sure that just having her here freaks the little bastards out. They don’t stay around once they get a whiff of her. It’s sorta like Mama Mouse screams at Papa Mouse, “What the hell?! There’s a CAT living here you dork!! Get me and the kids outta here right now!!!” and then they slide on down the road to invade someone else’s home for the winter.

    I remember once I had to take her to the vet because she had (what turned out to be) an infected hair causing a lump which I thought was a tumor. So I was going to have her put down peacefully like the gentle, caring and thoughtful man I am. My truck was being used by a relative, so I stuffed her screaming and clawing into the scoot’s saddlebag and off we went to seal her doom.

    At the vet’s, I found out it was only a minor thing and paid the bill by writing a check. The woman receptionist started laughing hysterically when I gave it to her and she asked me, “Do you realize that when you filled out the check, you wrote ‘For Pussy’ in the notation? I guess twenty-five bucks DOES still go a long way LOL!”

    Okay, that’s enough about my Pussy...

    And that’s enough from me for this month. It’s a beautiful day and I wanna go riding!

    PS... I really am sorry if I offended anybody, but roast turkey IS so damned tasty!

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