“I ain’t ridin’ bitch!”

“C’mon Pappy, just get on the damned bike!”

“No! I ain’ta gonna do it! Bummer, I appreciate ya breakin’ me outta here and all, but I’m not gettin’ on the BACK if a motorsickle! It just ain’t right. Besides, what if we pick up some chicks?”

For those of ya who just tuned in to the continuing story of Pappy Shelton, he’s an old biker {retired} living in a nursing home in my town. I started talkin’ to him about a year ago to get technical info on army motorcycle dispatch riders for a book I might someday get off my butt and write, then as we became friends I started just hangin’ around with him, playin’ cards and such. As I write this it’s early Sept. and what I’m about to tell ya just happened last night.

I had talked the nursing home people {And his daughter}, into letting me take Pappy out for a few hours on a Saturday night. They all thought we were goin’ fishin’, but truth is we were goin’ bar hoppin’.

“All right! Get yer skinny old ass back inside and I’ll go get my car.”

Next thing ya know, there we were.....Bummer and Pappy out on the town.....lookin’ for chicks! I don’t know what in the Hell I was thinkin’ about!

The first bar we hit, Pappy asks for a brand of beer they don’t even make anymore. Then he starts bitchin’ about the jukebox. “There ain’t even no Slim Whitman on here!” {note: Slim Whitman is that yodelin’ dude who brought down all the alien spacecraft in “Mars Attacks!”...He actually listens to that crap!}

Anyway, I park him in a booth and go to the bar to talk to a buddy named Smokey about dyno testing the old shovel for a few minutes, when I start hearin’ a commotion. I turn around and Pappy has this beautiful babe sittin’ on his boney knee and another one laughin’ and pouring tequila into his upturned gizzard! Who woulda thunk? Pappy musta went to the Hugh Hefner School of Horney Old Farts! And he’s good at it!

I went over, sat down beside him and said softly,”Don’t go hurtin’ yerself now...they won’t let me take ya out again.”

“We’re cool Dave. He’s a friend of mine. I’m drivin’ and I’m clean as a whistle!”

“Is he gonna be alright?”

“Sure...he’s just havin’ a reaction to some medication.”

“Is that what ya call Jack Daniels nowadays? Don’t light a match around him!”

After I got him back in the car I realized I couldn’t take him back to the home in that condition so I took him to my place, called the home and made sure they knew where he was. I ended up talkin’ to nurse Ratchett, the nastiest nurse in the place.

“We’ve been really worried Mr. Baldwin! What do you mean he fell asleep in your car so you put him to bed? I can HEAR him singing in the background SIR!!”

“That’s the radio...I’ll have him home in the morning.”

“Well you better give your RADIO lots of orange juice or tomato juice before you put him to bed. It helps to have lots of vitamin C in his system if he’s been drinking alchohol!”

Maybe she isn’t so bad after all.

This morning, after a shower and some coffee, I asked him how he felt and he just smiled and asked when we were gonna do it again. I think I created a monster! Wonder if Medicaid can help pay for his bar bills.....Hmmm....

“Don’t go pullin’ that Alzheimer crap on me! Save that for the nurses. I’m the one with the money, remember?”

“Oh yeah...Bummer, right? ..Buy another round for my lady friends!”

Pretty soon he had the whole bar singing corney old songs, listenin’ to his jokes and even had four women jitterbugging with him! After I got over my shock, I sat at the bar taking notes on how to be cool taught by a master.

After a while he came to me and said,”OK..Let’s make like a banana and split!”

“Oh, are you ready to LEAVE now Obe Wan Kenobi?”

“Who’s that?”

“Nevermind.....Let’s go.”

So, off we went hitting bar after bar. I don’t drink and drive any more. Learned my lesson the hard way, so I was designated driver and that old coot had the time of his life...In fact I was havin’ a great time just watching and learning. He knew every old joke, every toast and every tall tale about motorcycling ever told.

According to him, he was there for the first Sturgis race. The first jump Evil Knevil ever made. He was a technical advisor for the movie “Motorcycle Mammas From Outer Space”. He invented the kick stand and made love to Marlyn Monroe. I had enough when he said he was Peter Fonda’s stunt double for Easy Rider.

“Pappy! We gotta go! Let’s pack it in!”

As we headed to the car I had to ask,”Did you really do Marlyn Monroe?”

“Bummer, you ARE an idiot!”

When I stopped at the local convience store to get a pack of cigarettes, I returned to the car to find Pappy drunk on his feet and dancing in the parking lot! Just then my old pal Deputy Dave pulled in beside him.