Shootin' the Breeze

by "Bummer"

 
 
bummer @ abate

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June 2019

Greetings to you my fellow Earthlings!

    I’ve been told that those of you who still get the magazine will be receiving your Outspokin’ in your mailbox every month throughout the summer, then we’ll be switching back to every OTHER month again until next spring in keeping with our current financial situation. The cost of even “bulk” postage incrementally adds up (the more often we send, the more we pay)... and for now this allows us to spend the saved bucks on what we need to do to help you protect your right to ride as you see fit, instead of the way others think you should. Perhaps soon we can get it out there every month all year round again. I REALLY appreciate knowing that many of you DO still prefer to actually have a magazine to hold in your hands, and maybe let others read it as well. I’ve always thought of these “actual” magazines as great recruitment tools. Okay, now turning these handlebars in a different direction...

    Ya know, whenever I ride the scoot to these “open-mic nites” that are poppin’ up all over the place, I only take my harps (harmonicas) with me instead of totin’ a guitar because they’re obviously easier to carry on a bike. I HAVE strapped a guitar to my back, or to the luggage rack on a scoot before, but it’s always such a pain to do that. Besides, a harp is actually more fun to play when I jam with strangers because to me it’s sorta like whistling and I don’t have to pay much attention to lyrics, intricate chord progressions, and all that other (what can be) complicated stuff... particularly if it’s unfamiliar material. As long as I’m in the right key on a harp, I’m good to go. The only bad thing about doing this is IF I wanna play some music by myself without accompanying anyone, it’s sorta difficult to come up with much of anything that’s entertaining to anyone for more than a few minutes ‘cause it’s just me and a harmonica. I can’t even sing and blow harp at the same time! But I CAN dance (sorta) LOL!

    So, anyway... I’m riding home from an open-mic at a bar the other night on a desolate country road out in the middle of nowhere. Soon, I see through the darkness ahead what looks like the lights of a helicopter landing off the road in a field. I pull over to see what’s going on and when I shut down the bike I immediately notice the “chopper” isn’t making ANY sound at all, it’s just hovering over the field before it begins slowly descending towards the ground. It’s at this point that I see that it isn’t a helicopter at all but a disc-shaped UFO!! I’m talkin’ a rootin’-tootin’, gosh-darned, honest-to-goodness, flying saucer!!

    When it gets to be about ten feet off the ground it stops, an opening appears in the side, and a descending staircase slowly slides out of the craft. From inside the ship a funny looking little guy steps down and the following conversation ensues.........
“Greetings, Earthman! My name is Nort and I come to you from the planet Vulva! We have been monitoring your postings from afar on something that you call “Facebook”. “We knew that you’d be traveling this road on your way home from the event you posted that you were attending, and we decided that here, at this location, would be the safest and most convenient way to make contact. I was sent here to offer you a proposition!”

    Well, you could have just knocked me over! I didn’t know what to do, say, OR think! To be honest I thought I might be having some kind of “flashback”... but even back when I was all hippy-trippy, the few “visions” I had were nothing like THIS! He continued with...

    I’m a member of the constabulary force on our planet. Our duties are to serve and protect our citizens, to keep order, and to ensure that the wishes of “The Queen” are followed and strictly obeyed. Her Majesty, like ALL females on Vulva, is a kind and very beautiful woman and she’s VERY open minded like all our women are. My Queen decided that the women of Vulva, including herself, would benefit from your presence. She sent me on this journey for the express purpose of urging you to accompany me back to our planet.
    Our musical tastes have become centered around an instrument that you here on Earth call a “Harmonica”, and the sound of that instrument causes an aphrodisiac effect which drives all our women crazy with lust and desire! Unfortunately for our men, nobody on our planet can play these “Harmonicas” due to a physical trait involving our breathing facilities (which is an internal thing). We only discovered this sound, and the effect this sound has on our women, by our monitoring of Earth’s internet and we immediately set about to begin preparing for this journey and quest.
    Our women prefer men who look exactly like you do, and if you agree to come with me you will undoubtedly be made “King” of our planet where all live in peace, harmony, happiness, and prosperity......
    We know that you have offspring from your postings, and we can even bring you back occasionally to visit them. By the way, the atmosphere we breathe on Vulva is very similar to Earth’s, but for some reason it allows for longevity and your life span would be at least doubled.
    “So do you agree to accompany me to what could be your destiny?”

    Then Nort stood there picking his nose for a few seconds (apparently a gesture of friendship) as he waited for my response, which was......
    “Now let me get this straight... you want to take me to a planet where all the women are beautiful AND lustful. These women all prefer gray-bearded, long-haired, old fat guys. The sound of a harmonica sets your women aflame with passion, but I’d be the only one able to play one. Your culture and society is based entirely on everyone’s happiness. Your “open-minded Queen” wants me to be her “King”... and all I gotta do is climb aboard and go with you, right?”

    “Yes, that pretty well sums it up.”

    Well now let me tell ya... I WAS JUST ABOUT OUTTA HERE!! Sure, I’d miss my boys, but they were the ones who moved outta state first, not ME! Besides, he said I could come back to visit, so I probably wouldn’t see them any less than I do now! Then I thought of something else...
        "Can I take my scoot?”
        “What is a “scoot”?
        “That thing right there.” as I pointed to my bike.
“OH NO! We couldn’t possibly allow any internal combustion vehicles on OUR planet whatsoever! The thought of polluting our atmosphere like Earth has done to its own is absolutely unthinkable!! Never in a million years would that be permitted!”

    So I had to tell him no.

    With a shrug and without another word he immediately climbed aboard his spaceship and was gone in a flash (probably to snag some OTHER old fat guy that blows the harp!)

    When I finally got home that night I stripped nekkid and soaked in the hot tub out on the deck for a while gazing up into the heavens wondering if “Vulva” could be seen in that clear and starry night sky... and as I did, I pondered whether or not I had made the right choice, ultimately deciding that I had.

    After all, beautiful, kinky, women who are into bearded old fat guys who play the harmonica are a dime a dozen... but a good motorcycle, well now THAT is something ya don’t wanna let go of. And as for not even riding again except for an occasional trip back to Earth... well, screw that!! So it looks like I’ll still be with y’all next month.

    Happy trails and ride safe,
            Bummer

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