WOW! 2007!! Where the Hell do all these years fly off to? And of course the older I get, the faster they fly. It seems like just the other day I was writing up my list of resolutions for 2006!! The way things went I don’t know if I even wanna bother making up a list of ‘em for this year. I failed so miserably last year in my attempts to lose weight, to stop partying so much, to stay away from bad influences that I don’t see the point. I tried, but didn’t quite succeed, in staying outta trouble [I’m startin’ to hate seeing my name in the newspaper]. I said I wouldn’t, but of course I got involved in a few questionable relationships. I planned on saving bucks, but then ended up blowing it all on stupid stuff. In short I was kinda unsucessful in my endeavor to settle down and start acting my age.
Hey, wait a minute! Now that I’m thinking about it, I ended up having a pretty damned good time! Maybe I should just go ahead and make up a NEW list that I can fail at. I always say if yer gonna fail at something ya might as well do it properly AND have fun doin’ it. Deep inside we ALL love to break the rules, and if nothing else resolutions certainly are rules.
So, yes boys and girls, once again it’s time for “Bummer’s New Year’s Resolutions” for 2007!
1. I will stop annoying my neighbors with loud bikes, loud music, suspicious comings and goings and horrifying but heartfelt screams in the middle of the night [this might require some assistance from my captives, er guests].
2. I will tell the absolute truth regarding what I think about things, to all politicians whether they like it or not, even if they don’t ask. In fact, especially if they don’t ask.
3. I will not drink liquor in a hot tub, unless I’m naked.
4. I WILL keep avoiding gravel.
5. I will stop having political discussions in taverns, unless the people I’m talking to agree with me about every thing.
6. I will stop eating Little Debbie German Chocolate Fudge cookies…..eventually.
7. I’ll try to stop smoking cigarettes in adult places such as bars, all restaurants etc. [Got some help from the self-righteous voters of Ohio on that one! Now I just hope y’all send the cigarette tax way up again, ya pukes. And aren’t those of you who DO smoke glad ya stood up for your rights and voted NO on BOTH of ‘em [issues 4 AND 5]? Sheesh!
8. I’ll search for a hobby or pastime that I can truly enjoy that isn’t self-abusive or harmful in any way. LOL
9. I will stop frying foods that aren’t supposed to be fried, if there is such a thing.
10. I will stop talking to myself, or at least answering myself. Yeah, that sounds better. Oops.
11. I will NOT ride in fog unless there’s no way to avoid it.
And finally for this year….
12. I will stop screaming into the telephone when a solicitor calls and wakes me up or if I have to drop what I’m doing and walk across the room to answer the damned phone for the above mentioned #%@ing solicitor. I will consider that these people need to work too, even if what they do is immoral and would be illegal in any civilized society. [A.] If it’s a recording I will NOT look at the ceiling and scream obscenities while I smash the phone into little plastic particles. [B.] I will figure out a way to ask a politician to introduce pertaining legislation, even though THEY are the most abusive regarding this. Hell, they even had Ted Nugent call me up yesterday [I’m writing this in early Nov. ‘cause we have a one month deadline and I try to get a jump on it sometimes]. Sweaty Teddy was asking me to vote for some senator who’s endorsed by the NRA as I smashed another phone.
Well, that takes care of that. Man, I feel better already.
I was talkin’ to Pappy the other day and he said something really heavy regarding people being content with their lives, with who they are and their resolve to better things for themselves.
“Bummer, maybe I ain’t got all the answers, but I got SOME of ‘em. I know all it takes to be satisfied is to be happy. Not like some damned brainless idiot, but to be genuinely content with who you are and what ya got and to make whatever adjustments ya need to be that way. For instance you could have the most beautiful woman in the world, but if she’s a real bitch, she ain’t worth it. You could have all kinds of money, but if yer workin’ and worryin’ hard all the time, IT ain’t worth it. You could be the most successful person in most everything, but such a failure at living IF you’ve forgotten one simple fact: Ya gotta start ENJOYING life. Appreciate where yer at and realize ya could be someplace a whole lot worse. If yer some place intolerable, then change things. Just remember… time spent worryin’, fussin’, fighting and struggling is time lost forever….and we ain’t got all that much time to begin with.”
As I hang another calender on my wall I think maybe THAT could be the most important resolution we could make this year brothers and sisters.
Oh, and I forgot to tell yuns, HAPPY NEW YEAR!