Shootin’ the Breeze
A few friends and myself were out scoutin’ possible routes for a poker run the other day and ended up in a game preserve on the North side of a local lake. The last time I was in the area was years ago and as we rode thru the woods and marshlands I smiled at the memory.
It was a hot midsummer night and as I sat at the bar of a local tavern I noticed a very good looking lady by herself, playin’ the jukebox. I put on my best smile and approached her.
“How ya doin’?” [Great opening lines are no problem when I’m buzzed, and this has always been one of my better ones.]“Good.” [Ah! She obviously is overcome by my passion!]
“Yer playin’ great tunes,” says I.
“This jukebox sucks!” [Oho! A woman of taste and breeding!]
“Wanna get nekkid?”
SLAP!!!!!! [I love it when a lady plays hard to get!]
After I apologized and told her that she misunderstood, I explained that one of the most exciting, exhilerating and memorable nights of her life awaited her if she would but listen to me for a few minutes over a cocktail. And with lowered eyebrows she agreed to accompany me to a booth. Within a half hour we were in the parking lot mounting my scoot.
Like I said, the night was unusually hot and muggy and the moon was full as we rode to the game preserve. The state bought the land years ago when they made a
reservoir and set the marshlands and wooded area to the North aside for waterfowl and hairy critters [like me!].
Occasionally we passed deserted farms that had been vacant for years. The moonlight was so bright that shadows lay upon the road from surrounding trees and we pulled to the side as I shut down the bike. In the distance we could hear bullfrogs, loons and an occasional owl as I turned to the woman and
asked. ”Now, yer sure ya wanna do this?” “Yeah! This is so cool! Ya say no one ever comes out here at night, right?”
“Nope! It’s just me and you! Let’s do it!!” So, we took off all our clothes [“Except for boots and
glasses.... safety first!], hid them behind a bush, then we climbed back on the scooter and proceeded to travel the abandoned back roads as nature intended.
Now, throughout this the girl seemed to be okay about it all, but did express concern about it being made public. In fact while we waited she started getting hostile about the cops and began calling ‘em names under her breath...then louder and louder until finally they all shuffled over to us again.
The one in charge asked, “Where did you say those clothes were?”
“Behind a bush. If ya let us go, we’ll go get ‘em and ya won’t see or here from us again! I promise!”
“You get on your bike and we’ll follow you. She can ride in the back of the cruiser. Don’t try nothin’ funny or we’ll hang your ass!”
I wish someone could have taken a picture of me, naked leading two police cruisers with flashing lights down the road like a parade! The only problem was that every bush looks alike in the moonlight! We musta stopped five times before finally they pulled up and
said, ”We have take you in and tow the bike.”
Just then my lady friend yelled,
”There it is! I’m sure of it!”
And she was right. We dressed and I showed my ID, but of course that wasn’t enough. They said that since the other cruiser showed up they had to do something. That’s how I met Deputy Dave. He agreed to not charge her, but I got ticketed for public indecency.
When it showed up in the newspaper a few days later, I felt like someone who was showin’ himself off at playgrounds or somethin’. Luckily my wife didn’t see it and nobody said anything to her! [Oops! Did I mention I was married at the time? Yes, I used to be a dog before I grew up!! I now believe that if it woulda happened with my wife, I wouldn’t have been busted! Let this be a lesson to y’all. God works in mysterious ways.]
I never went to court ‘cause my attorney took care of it, but it’s there on my record and it did end up coming back to bite me on the you-know-what years later, but that’s another story.
Well kids, that’s it for this month. Just remember, like most of what ya read here, don’t try any of this at home, but if ya do, make sure you remember the bug spray, especially if ya end up standing around talkin’ to the cops!.......
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The low chug of the engine competed with crickets and frogs as we tooled down the winding roads. The moon smiled as she pressed herself against my back and said in my
ear, ”I’ve never felt so free!” We rode a warm wind that night. I felt as tho this was the way it was supposed to be: A hot night, a hot woman, the bike running great and the moon, oh, that big ol’ moon just shinin’ and shinin’! One of the deserted farms we passed must have had a few lilac bushes ‘cause we were literally bathed in the smell when suddenly IT happened! Flashing red and blue lights!!!!
I pulled over and shut it down and could hear ‘em chuckling as they approached. “Can I see your license and registration please? Yuk yuk.”
“Well, they’re both in my wallet and I don’t seem to have it on me.”
“I guess not! Where might they be?”
“Well, we left everything behind a bush just back aways.”
While one went to run my plate over the radio, the other kept shining his flashlight all over us, more her than me of course. I could actually hear the smirk in his voice as he asked, “Have you two been drinking?”
“Not a drop officer! I swear!”
“Ya wanna step over here and try some sobriety tests?”
Now, doin’ this always made me feel silly, but doin’ it naked is beyond words! After I passed the tests he had the girl do the same, which wasn’t cool ‘cause she wasn’t even driving! But he and his partner seemed to enjoy makin’ her do all kinds of stuff that I never had to do....Like bending over and touching her toes and holding her arms out with her legs spread, then turning around and repeating the whole thing. I was gettin’ pissed when they climbed back in the cruiser and talked over what they were gonna do. While they were in there another cop pulled up! The only cars we’ve seen for an hour and they both happened to be police!! He musta heard the call-in on the radio and came to render assistance.